My Dad is a Midwesterner through and through. To be honest, he would never dream of going to therapy. He is genuinely baffled by the whole prospect of it. As my practice has grown, my Dad will periodically ask me how it’s going. I’ll give him a general update, he’ll politely listen to my reply and then look at me askew. Inevitably, he’ll get a quizzical look on his face and say
“Now, Lisa, tell me again what it is you do. People come and talk to you? And then they just feel better?”
His response never fails to elicit a wry chuckle from me, precisely because I think it highlights what many believe to be true about the therapeutic process. For many, the thought of telling a complete stranger your personal struggles is a totally foreign concept, especially here in Minnesota. So much our culture in the Upper Midwest celebrates the value of self-reliance and independence. We give kudos to others for making do with little and getting through adversity without complaining. Given this cultural bias, it not surprising that folks would think twice (or twenty) about embarking on therapy.
After sitting with people for many years, I’d like to think I’ve learned some things about the process. Typically, people come to see me because they are absolutely gobsmacked by life. Often, folks find that their old, familiar coping mechanisms don’t work well anymore. They may feel anxious, worried and utterly disconnected to the things that bring them joy. They may have experienced a significant betrayal, loss or trauma and believe that they will never feel whole again. Sadness may seep into every facet of their life, so much so that getting through the day is nearly an insurmountable task. If they are a teen, they may see me under duress, digging in their heels and exhorting that they will not talk to me. Ever.
As people get comfortable and settle in, their thoughts about the process often change from “what will this do for me” to “what can I discover?” When I initially ask people what they’d like to address, they might say “I want to fix X or Y,” “I want to feel happy again” or “I want my parents to get off my back.” Interestingly, once folks get a better handle on the concerns that brought them through the door, they often begin to re-examine other 95% of their life. They begin to think further about how they interact with their family or friends. They might explore their ideas around work, career and lifelong learning. They may decide to change behaviors that are ultimately self-defeating. Almost always, they grow in ways unforeseen and unknown at the outset.
They chart their own unique, brilliant course.
